Ministry of Heritage, Arts, Culture and Knowledge

Subject: HACK White Christmas Party
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th December 2012
RE: Christmas Party

Attention all Ministry of HACK employees,
I’m delighted to inform you that the 2012 White Christmas Party will
now take place at the Ministry of HACK, in the Edmond Hillary Room.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks. There will be a small band
playing traditional carols. Singing along is not compulsory,
but highly recommended and will be noted when assessing your
self-evaluations and engagement surveys.Don’t be surprised if
Santa Claus pays a visit to little Timmy next to the chimney under
the mistletoe. A reminder to all staff to bring their Secret Santa presents.
Please ensure they are suitably wrapped with clear tape not exceeding
2cm in width. Please also ensure these are deposited in an orderly fashion
under the MoHACK Christmas tree. Please ensure gifts are between the
value of $4.90 and $5.10. Please also note the MoHACK Christmas party
is for current employees only.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

The MoHACK Social Club.

FROM: MoHACK Social Club
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th December 2012

RE:: Holiday Party

Thank you for your flood of emails to the Social Club mailbox.
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish
employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday,
which often coincides with Christmas, though not this year.
We also acknowledge the importance of Ramadan
and re-iterate that the “Holiday Party” (formerly
known as the “White Christmas Party”) will not take place
during daylight hours. Please note the change in party title.
In no way was the former reference to ‘White Christmas’
intended to propagate a myth of Pakeha supremacy. Please also
note your Social Club have ensured those on the Dukkan Diet,
Weight Watchers, Waist Watchers, and The Society Against Sugar
in Society may enter from the rear doors farthest from the dessert table.
There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung, and to many
of you who expressed concerns, yesterdays memo was in no way intended
to suggest Santa was doing anything to Little Timmy. In answer to your
other questions, the mistletoe purchased by the Social Club is plastic and
no vegetation was harmed in the planning of this function. All contracts
for mistletoe and serving ware were put to tender. We look forward to
receiving our products from I_AM_A_Terrorist63.

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

MoHACK Social Club.

[color=#0000FF]Dear Ministry of HACK employee,

Thank you for your recent application for our advertised positions.

I am pleased to inform you that you have been a successful candidate in your application, and following forty three interviews, at the Ministry of HACK.

We look forward to meeting you again to sign off the seven hundred and sixty three pages of part one of appendix A of you new contract. If you have any particular requirements, please let us know immediately so we can discuss any equipment or facilities you may need. We are requesting this information to make the process as equitable as possible for each new employee.

Please bring with you evidence of your right to work in Aeotearoa New Zealand, and your seventy three and a half minute speech on what the Treaty of Waitangi means to you.

[Please keep in mind that, while you have been successful in securing a role in the Ministry, if nine hundred candidates applied for the same three positions, the roles may have been dispersed differently to a candidate’s original selections. The Ministry of HACK have endeavoured to ensure all new staff have been appointed into roles they may enjoy. We at the Ministry of HACK celebrate staff and encourage staff enjoyment. For that reason you are welcome to join us for a free sausage sizzle in the Edmond Hillary room on Friday at 12pm. Please note, free sausages are 79cents each, and $6.49 for a sausage in bread. Gluten free bread and bread free bread is available on request].

Yours sincerely,

Hannah McKie
MoHACK Recruitment

Tel 04 555 5555 / Fax 04 555 5556
MoHACK / HACK House / 123 Fake Street
PO Box 555 / Wellington 242 / New Zealand[/color]

MoHACK cares about the environment - please don’t print this email
unless it is really necessary. Thank you

[color=#000080]Please note:[/color] by the time you arrive for your induction at the Ministry of HACK Hannah will no longer be contracting with the Ministry. If you do not receive her out of hours message you may continue to email her at or, if your question relates to an upcoming HACK HR department, you may wish to post on the HACK staff forum found here: Ministry of Heritage, Arts, Culture and Knowledge

[color=#000040]Newly appointed staff:[/color]

Public Sector Santa: The Office Christmas Party – Hydra 2012[/color]

[color=#0000BF]General Manager - [/color][color=#800000]Jon Ball[/color]– Old and old fashioned patriarch of the Ministry. Where’s that coffee, love?

[color=#000080]2IC-[/color] [color=#800000] Malcolm Harbrow[/color] - 2nd in charge and a long standing workhorse of the ministry. No nonsense and straight to the point. The government is your life and the ministry’s problems are yours to solve.

[color=#000080]CFO –[/color] [color=#800000]Paul Wilson[/color] CFO of HACK. A high flyer with a few troubles. A family man who’s been around. Lately he hasn’t been able to engage fully with his workload. Why is that?

[color=#000080]Accountant-[/color] [color=#800000]Donna Giltrap[/color]– Dependable Backbone of the finance team. Is it just me, or am I the only one still working?

[color=#000080]Health and Safety Officer- [/color] [color=#800000]Bryn Jone[/color]s – Procedural stickler for the benefit of the Ministry and keeper of the keys (be they civil defence cabinets or emergency buckets). Not that they’ll be an emergency…

[color=#000080]IT –[/color] [color=#800000]Stacy Nylund[/color] Young but capable head of IT ….Being somewhat young and somewhat good looking, you somewhat like to party, and are somewhat way over your head. But shhh, no one needs to know. And you’re young. You must know computers right?

[color=#000080]Marketing Guy– [/color][color=#800000]Luke Smilie[/color] - Young High flying executive of the marketing world. Has there ever been anyone in an office as suave and as you? Answer: Never. According to you. You are the essence of cool and you know it. Hell-o ladies.

[color=#000080]Senior Cleaner -[/color] [color=#800000]Nick O Keefe[/color] – A friendly Complete Property Services and Hygiene manager who’s close to retirement and has seen it all. Literally. All of it. And the ones that did it. Come on junior, we have work to do tonight.

[color=#000080]Junior Cleaner -[/color] [color=#800000]Ben Wylie-van Eerd[/color] – Very religious and very respectable young man. Did someone say he plays Super 15 rugby? You could try and get a piece of him…but he might be taking you home to meet his mother.

[color=#000080]Communications Officer –[/color] [color=#800000]Matt Swain[/color] The mouth, ears and eyes of the ministry…in an ideal Ministry…which HACK isn’t. Must be time to find a wife. A second wife. The first one ripped out your heart with a rusty butter knife and fed it to her Alsatians. Time to find a real peach.

[color=#000080]Executive Assistant – [/color] [color=#800000]Sarah Lyne[/color] EA assisting the GM and his right hand “lady”. Prets much an awesome job: you just wear low tops and like push paper round your desk and that…and they pay you and everything.

[color=#000080]Government Advisor –[/color] [color=#800000]Daphne Cohen[/color] A highly intelligent, highly driven and highly capable woman. Will it advance my career? Then I’ll do him! I mean ‘it’.

[color=#000080]HR Engagement Officer –[/color] [color=#800000]Nick Cole[/color] Life and soul of the Ministry. Is it just me or am I the only one in HR with my phone not on divert? Typical.

[color=#000080]HR Recruitment Officer -[/color] [color=#800000]Rebecca Harris[/color]– Networked social butterfly and a people’s person. If the Ministry had a head cheerleader it would be HR Recruit…according to HR Recruit. It’s time to teach your co-workers how they too can be cool. But not quite as cool as you. Obviously.

[color=#000080]Personal Assistant -[/color] [color=#800000]UNCAST[/color] –PA who’s a motivated go getter… at least when it comes to going and getting a better job… like the EA’s job. Professional to a tee, unlike some who’re only professional to a wet tee-shirt. You’ll show them.

[color=#000080]Private Secretary –[/color][color=#800000] Brooklynne Kennedy[/color] Ministers extremely intelligent, extremely dedicated and extremely well manicured left hand. There’s no wedding ring tan….yet.

[color=#000080]Senior Receptionist –[/color] [color=#800000]Nasia Alevizos[/color] Old Stalwart and cornerstone of the support team. You’re the ‘Director of First Impressions’ actually. These young’ns need teaching. You’ve seen it all and it’ll all be fine…as long as nothing changes.

[color=#000080]Junior Receptionist –[/color] [color=#800000]Alice Turnbull[/color] Bubbly and vivacious 18 yr old receptionist. Flirting’s like totally part of your job eh….and you want to be good at your job.

[color=#000080]Researcher-[/color] [color=#800000]Catherine Pegg[/color] –highly educated, Opinionated, overworked, under appreciated and over stressed. Is it just me or does no one see what’s about to go down here?! You’re a storm cloud and it’s time to rain.

[color=#000080]Team Administrator -[/color][color=#800000] Leonie Reynolds[/color] –indispensable team player. Can you fix it? Yes you can – be it broken stapler (insert staples) or requests from your beloved Social Club. Very very beloved. You are, after all, the Social Club president. Lucky no one wants to challenge you for president as you have something else on your mind.

[color=#000080]The Mailman – [/color][color=#800000]Scott Kelly[/color] Just the regular mailman. An old guy who doddles about and delivers your mail.

[color=#000080]The Meeter –[/color] [color=#800000]Nick Pitt [/color]Long standing employee of the ministry. Isn’t he? He’s always exceptionally busy. Busy busy busy.

Yours sincerely,

Hannah McKie
MoHACK Recruitment

Tel 04 555 5555 / Fax 04 555 5556
MoHACK / HACK House / 123 Fake Street
PO Box 555 / Wellington 242 / New Zealand

MoHACK cares about the environment - please don’t print this email
unless it is really necessary. Thank you

Staff Position descriptions have been put through the MoHACK intranet.

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