awesome lol cat
I like the “Imagine” beginnning, it’s an invitation and a gentle instruction and it also summarises what we do in a single word. I don’t think “picture” has the same appeal. I quite like “Imagine stepping into…”, stepping is gentler than jumping.
I think I prefer the earlier 3 step flow to yours Anna. 1) imagine… an evocative description of larp without using the term larp because it’s too technical, 2) what we’ve just described is larp, do you like the sound of it? 3) now using the term larp, a fuller and more concrete description and an invitation to join the community.
“At it’s best” and “for good or ill” feel a bit too cliched for me. I don’t think we need “by a thriving community”, I think that’s a case of “show, don’t tell” because stating it outright sounds prematurely defensive, and we’ve already said the community is creative and dynamic.
I’m on the fence on “It’s part theatre, part murder mystery party, part swashbuckling action.” - it might help explain it further to some people, but it’s already implied in the previous sentence.
Is my “interactive living fictional world” too wordy? We could drop the interactive perhaps? Living is more evocative, less technical and we’ve already made clear that it’s interactive.
Here’s my thought on a composite:
Live action role playing
Imagine stepping into your favourite historical or fictional setting and becoming part of the story as it unfolds. Unlike watching a film or reading a book, you have a chance to shape the outcome of the story through your character’s actions. Achieve your goals, defeat your enemies and help create a living fictional world.
If that sounds like fun then live action role playing (larp) is the hobby for you.
Larp has everything: from fantastic costumes and dramatic intrigue, to tricky problem solving and action-packed fights, all wrapped up in a dynamic, creative community. Similar to theatre or improv, participants react to the actions of other players, often with startling or humorous results. Larping is an all-inclusive activity where new participants are welcomed and helped every step of the way.
Unfortunately, taking out Jackie’s adjectives may have made it less exciting sounding. Or maybe I’ve just read it too many times?
I’ve got permission from Kara and Derek to use that photo of them on the homepage.
Reading Jackie’s version on the draft page again, it’s definitely more exciting than where we’re heading. And jumping reads as more exciting than stepping, for that matter…
Maybe you could have another crack at a phrasing Jackie?
Reeally, I think Jackie’s original would work fine if we removed the contentious and scary “integral” and the slightly hyperbolic “grand and magnificent”
The “grand and magnificent” is not at all hyperbolic - that’s exactly the effect that my character’s actions have.
But seriously, while that wording is perhaps OTT it’s also quite enlivening. It would be nice to have something equally sparky.
Similarly, “integral” might be problematic but it’s punchy.
I guess you’re right. We have no use for visitors without a healthy sense of melodrama
(we now need a lolcat for grand and magnificent actions)
Scrap all the words and just put up the lolcat!
Okay, here’s a version that I’m happy with:
It’s the same as the second draft, except that:
“becoming an integral part of the story” has been changed to “becoming part of the story as it unfolds” for reasons given by Anna and Muppet… and also because it’s idiot-proof.
“grand and magnificant” has been changed to “amazing”. I think this keeps the excitement while toning down the hyperbole.
The rest I think is already good. Let me know if we want to roll this out to live, or whether further editing is needed.
two thumbs up
Need moar lolcat.
…I jest, it looks good. Am happy
Okay, going live now.
My only niggly comment is I find indenting paragraphs a little odd looking on the web. I prefer things flush left, but that’s just me…
The indent is in a single style sheet file, so it would be easy enough to change. I do think that’s a matter of taste though.
I’d wager over 90% of the sites I visit and have written copy for don’t indent, which I guess explains my preference.
But, you know, I’m as flexible as a flexible thing.
Here’s an interesting article (to a nerd like me) about the use of paragraphs and indents on the web. Warning: content is VERY geeky! jontangerine.com/log/2008/06/the … and-design