I would like to open a discussion about bullying and insults in our community. Of all the issues in our Code of Conduct, personal attacks and bullying are the least cut-and-dry. Often we encourage verbal conflict in game, or directly include race, sex or other ‘traditional’ targets of discrimination into the worlds we inhabit. Gossip and exclusionary behaviour often feature as part-and-parcel of in-character group dynamics. Sometimes these are explicitly mentioned in the game briefing or character sheets, but often they are implied or emerge as the game progresses. While it is all in-character, this is part of the hobby – conflict is a good driver of story.
We are good at actively reminding everyone that if they get uncomfortable with a scene they can just leave. The reality is that the social pressures to remain in a scene, or the distraction of getting caught up in the moment, mean that this is not a simple solution. It also only works after something has gone over to your realm of the unacceptable. It is of no protection at all if the attack is aimed, intentionally or not, at you out-of-character.
How do we distinguish between appropriate in character abuse and inappropriate behaviour?
When might it be appropriate to use someone’s sex or gender as an in-character means of discrimination? We certainly include sexism in plenty of our games, but it is usually intended to be done with the agreement of all parties and the acknowledgement that this is not socially acceptable in the real world. This all looks fine when the sexism mirrors ‘old fashioned male chauvinism’ – we believe we no longer engage in it in the real world, so paying tribute to it in game allows us to contrast socially acceptable in-character behaviour with out-of-character beliefs. But does this translate when we jump into female chauvinism? If you are ok with the former, surely the latter should be just as interesting. By contrast, if you find female chauvinism upsetting out-of-character, on what basis do you justify ever roleplaying male chauvinism?
What about race? We often create races or cultures within the game, then encourage intergroup discrimination based on these. When we directly include real world racist dynamics (or close analogies thereof, like Orcs in Mordavia), how do we do it tactfully?
What about class? In-character class discrimination is often explicitly built into our settings. However, our hobby lends itself to an interesting, and rarely discussed, out-of-character classed based discrimination. Our hobby is not cheap. Indeed, imagine how fabulous your real world wardrobe would be if all your props, costumes, and set dressing for LARP was spent on out-of-character fashion statements. Our amazing costumes come from hours of work or hundreds of dollars. Not everyone can afford this. We have for a long time had an NPC and PC class of participants. Certainly many people drift between the two classes, but one is definitely seen as more prestigious. Costume praising helps encourage awesome costumes in our communities. Costume praising is usually conditional, however. The dark side of this is that the absence of costume praising may be felt by those that are of less means. Worse, there is always the risk of costume shaming appearing (and if all you do is engage in conditional costume praising, you risk appearing as the silent approval of costume shaming). Likewise, there are time commitments to attending events, which means that those with more time to invest sometimes end up with much more prestigious or desirable roleplaying opportunities. To what extent is this appropriate, and to what extent does it become class discrimination?
What about personal remarks as insults? Coming up with creative insults on the fly is actually quite difficult. It is very easy to include cheap shots at someone’s out-of-character personal features in the heat of the moment. Body shaming is unfortunately very ingrained in our current culture, along with the mistaken belief that if you verbally abuse someone for being too skinny or too fat that a) it is a problem, b) it is your responsibility for fixing, and c) your abuse will somehow help or is otherwise justified. By contrast, insulting someone for in-character personal traits is usually fine, for example tattoos markings from a magical condition, or in-character disfigurement.
Lastly, what about exclusionary behaviour? When is it appropriate to ask someone not to come to an event, and who should take on this responsibility? Are you allowed to exclude someone from an event because of in-character reasons that are inherent in the game world? Indeed, is it ok to create asymmetrical in-character priorities for attending events, or should all in-game demographics get equal opportunity for events? What about excluding someone for out-of-character reasons? Where there is a legal warrant for this, that certainly makes sense – if someone has a restraining order against you, and want to turn up to an event, they are well within their rights to tell you not to attend. Likewise, if you have been banned by the GM’s or NZLARPs for breaching the games code of conduct, the GM’s or NZLARPs representatives are within their rights to exclude you. Are there any other cases where it might be appropriate to exclude someone for out-of-character reasons, and who should take on this responsibility? What if you just anticipate a problem, but nothing has happened yet? What if you just don’t like someone or don’t want to associate with them? We have private avenues for this in some circumstances, such as bunking arrangements at events, but the communication of this is strictly between the person with the dislike and the logistics organiser or GM’s. Is it ever appropriate to tell someone, directly or indirectly, that you don’t want them to attend because you don’t like something they have done out-of-character, or you don’t want to get caught up in their anticipated out-of-character drama?
We have, I believe, prided ourselves on being a very inclusive community, where social adeptness, extroversion, charisma, adhering to social norms and so forth are not prerequisites for inclusion.
So, what do we do if we cross over the line and see we have upset someone? Is it enough to realize the error and cease the behaviour, or do we sometimes need to apologize or make amends, and, if so, privately or publicly? How do we go about dealing with our own out-of-character animosity towards people (or, indeed, their characters)?
What if we are hurt out of character by someone’s behaviour? Who do we talk to about it? What systems do we have, and what systems might we need? Currently the NZLARPs Code of Conduct encourages you to talk to the GM’s or to a committee member, but is this enough?
What do we do if we sit as a third party to questionable conduct? At what point is it appropriate to step in on someone else’s behalf, and what are the best ways to go about this?
Social media adds a new and colourful dimension, too. It is well removed from the live action part of our hobby, is somewhat dehumanizing, is fast paced, and is highly limited in its tone. Sorting out bullying, exclusionism, and personal attacks at an event is hard enough, but our community spans well past the parameters of our events.
All this also depends on the sort of community we would like to be. My writing of this discussion piece is in response to sitting as a third party to a number of questionable situations, ranging from accidental insults to systematic emotional abuse. I would like to raise awareness of these issues in general, and foster constructive discussion, with the aim of helping our community be an inclusive and safe space for all of its members.
We’ve had people leave campaign games due to OOC abuse, bullying or cheating. Very few choose to come forward with proof of it for, again, fear of ostracism and social repercussions. Am I willing to name names? Nope. Same deal as above. Not sure if this makes me a coward or just someone who doesn’t need that much trouble in my life.